octoberskye1

Here’s To the new year. My new years resolution is not to be thin and drop 60 pounds, it is to learn to be me. I have spent so much time and energy fighting with everyone around me who I felt has always had way to many opinions about my life. It’s time for me to say, STOP. I will be assertive and stand up for myself and my little ones. No more worrying about what everyone else wants for me, it’s time for me to be a grown up and handle things the way I need to.

While life is not all about me, my life is. It is about making my babies smile and keeping them safe. It is about feeling good about the decision I make and to stop feeling so guilty. I think that feeling less guilt will help me to ease up on the everything I see diet. I wish a very happy new year to all.

No matter how upset I have felt, no matter how tired and irritable I’ve been, life is not so bad. I have had a pretty good mindset for the last few days and am enjoying it. Eating right and moving more really helps and I can’t help but to say that the mind is a very powerful thing. When I feel as if the bed is calling my name so that I can cover my head and bury my problems, I turn the other way and keep going. Many sad, depressed days have taught me how very wonderful and important my friends are. Thank you to al that are there for me, you will never know how very much it helps.

I feel like I am void for some reason, non existing at this point. You couldn’t get a reasonable answer as to why I feel this way because I have no idea. While I sit and attempt to soul search for some reason or a way to find myself, I realize that I have been gone for a long time. It is setting in now and there is no more ways to turn to avoid the truth. Somewhere along the line or path of life, I have lost myself. When I feel empty, I eat and that seems to be constantly lately. I sit at home and seem to be waiting for the day to end just hoping that the next will be easier maybe even somehow fufilling. I am a logical person most of the time and know that if I want different results I must consider different actions but it just seems so impossible right now. Maybe it’s lack of sleep and the late night but I am realizing just how often I am just going through the motions of life. I make lists and take care of the kids, once they are in bed I work on school but it all seems so robotic. What if I have completely lost my passion for life and this is how it will be forever? I know that I should appreciate everything that I have and all of the love surrounding me but sometimes it leaves me wonder , what am I doing wrong and why do I feel this way. Oh well, just thinking outloud. Have a great night buddies, tomorrow is another day.

Well I would like to think that I could get a grip on my weight but it is not happening. Could be my lack of motivation and the set in of winter is not helping a bit. I am too lazy to bundle up the baby and go for a walk so here I sit stressed about my weight and doing nothing to change it. I have noticed that I am putting on weight right on my waistline. That was once a nightmare and is now coming true. Every night I think of the many ways I am going to burn more calories the next day, then I wake up and deal with the morning rush of sending the kids to school and finish feeling exausted and end up munching on everything I know I shouldn’t. I can even count the calories in my head for each item I eat and it does not stop me. This is a terrible feeling and once I am done eating everything I see, I hate myself for doing so. If I could just get a grip and shake this tired overwhelmed feeling, maybe I can start losing weight again.

Ok it’s been awhile…I found out I was pregnant and went through my whole pregnancy without checking in. I was sad to see myself gaining instead of losing weight even though I was pregnant. I am now the proud mama of another baby boy. He is three weeks old and wonderful. I was upset since I had gotton down to 222 pounds ….at the end of my pregnancy I weighed 252 pounds. I am happy to say that I am back after three weeks to my beginning weight so that I can continue on my path of weightloss. I am so happy to be back …I have missed supporting and being supported by my buddies.

Well I haven’t been here for awhile and sadly I have gained back about 3 pounds since my last time . I avoided checking in since I knew I wasn’t doing well. I’m back I hope . I have been pretty busy dealing with alot of legal problems that I brought on myself. I will be dealing with them for awhile and it is hard to feel good enough to worry about my weight when I have felt like such a failure in life. Stress is a major problem right now . Positive side is I am now much more focused on bettering myself so that  I don’t have to be ashamed later in life. I want my children and family to be proud of me . Well I happy to be back on here . Till next time buddies.

I have been feeling great these last few days . Maybe he did me a favor by leaving, I haven’t been treating my body as badly as I was , consuming way to much alcohol and not getting enough sleep. This week I feel like a new person , Smiling more and spending more time on myself and my family. Little by little the weight is going down maybe alittle slow but I’m trying. Just thought i’d share my new found happiness w my buddies.

I haven’t been doing well lately , my before fiance abandoned my car and left it for me to go get . On top of that he left me with so many bills and not a word. No i’m sorry I can’t do this or nothing . So while I hide in self-pity which i’ve now done for 4 days I’ve thought of how to hurt him like he hurt me and the thought came to mind that improving myself , instead of swriveling up and dieing , shall be my revenge.  I’ll gradualy become a healthier person and he will realize that he didn’t break me . Eventualy maybe I won’t care about the fact that he didn’t see me as worthy of an explanation. Until then I will simply set my sights on several goals and stay as busy as I can.

My dad once told me that the best way to lose weight is to look at yourself naked every morning. Now personally I avoid mirrors until fully dressed which I realized today. Maybe if I hadn’t avoided it for so long I wouldn’t be in this situation but it’s alittle late for regrets now lol. Life goes on. This morning I figured I might as well see how bad things really are. Holy cow was all I could think. I have dimples and curves where no one should. So yeah I kind of scared myself. At first I felt overwhelmed and I haven’t completely recovered but I keep reminding myself that you have to start somewhere. I don’t want to look like this a year from now. So maybe ….. I won’t have a body to be proud of this summer but by next summer I had better see less rolls on this body of mine.

I started walking my son to and from school two days ago …. too bad schools out today , lol . Oh well it’s a start. Maybe I can make him walk with me. That’s a big maybe seeing as he is an indoor kinda guy….video games and leggos type of boy. I got to try though , I can’t imagine my sons having the same issues as I do . So I know I need to start with them now.

Anyways thanks for the support everyone , have a great day.

I walked today with my nephew and we thought we were doing pretty good , we walked for an hour , at what I thought was an ok pace ….. to be honest at that pace my legs hurt. Well when my brother asked how long we walked he commented as if it wasn’t so great. I love him and he tries to help but I thought 3.5 miles and hour was an ok start. I was wondering how fast is a good pace , I don’t want to burn myself out since I just started. I would appreciate any advice .